Abnormal is what it read. Back to checking for tumors, blood clots and figuring out how to keep this tumor removed from attacking my heart and lung. I am strong and I am a fighter, however I’ve come upon a reality that I’m not ready for. Feels like I’ve fallen flat on my face.
All this because a tumor was removed.
Today is one of those days where I received bad news, home sick again, can’t sleep, trying to stay strong to survive another week of work without the blackouts, fevers and cold sweats…..
So many irritants lately: insomnia, constantly barfing cuz my body is sick, headaches that make me mad, pain all over, constant blackouts, hair in the sink, fluid around my organs, infections because I only have one ureter left, infections from my auto immune disease, the painful raynauds in my hands, short term memory difficulties and memory loss.
The tumor is gone but now I have a greater picture of what to expect as I recover from the past three surgeries. Lupus. I have Lupus. Degenerative disease, Raynaud’s, Sacroiliitis from the tumor damage of my joints and Spinal stenosis. A full work week and the questions of my credibility begin. To think not only has my life been ripped apart now my heart is being shredded by a career I spent years training for. “Am I sure I am capable…?” Not what you want to hear at work. Heck, I’m working on my dual licensure and a PhD. Am I capable he asks? It was here where I began to feel lesser and defeat began to start nudging at my every effort to prove just how capable I was. So I set out to do it all just to prove the small conversations wrong.
Yes I was mad. I was hurt. I was angry and I felt betrayed by the very place I needed support and encouragement. My journey continued…… December 12, 2012